Why We Get Stuck in Relationships - Attachment Trauma

New Update: Announcing the Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz and Course

https://www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure, etc. This is why I created the course: The Four Attachment Distress Responses. You're invited to take the quiz and learn about your Response.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which means how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again while attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting.

Check out the quiz to learn more: See link above.

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In this video, I talk about feeling stuck in a relationship and being preoccupied with getting unstuck. I explore how family history creates attachment injuries that train us to be tolerant of staying stuck. Someone with attachment trauma and history of living in a dysfunctional family system will have a high tolerance to endure unhealthy and non-emotional relating. Essentially, we had to endure not getting our emotional needs met in childhood so we recreate that endurance in our adult relationships.

However we will simultaneously be living with an inner conflict of knowing both that we need to leave but are unable to leave. We lack agency and the wherewithal to make leaving possible. One reason is because we have lost our sense of self due to the many times of the resulting self-betrayal when we ignore the impulse to leave. Our spirit wilts. We lose connection with our soul. We feel like a shell of a person only going through the motions of our life.

If a person is not present and embodied in their own experience, then there is no self present to leave the relationship. Think of this in terms of a car. The car has no gas or we just cannot find the keys to start the ignition. Our inner conflict will be looping on leave, stay, leave, I can’t, I’m going to try and make this work and stay, my spirit is dying, leave, I can’t, let’s stay a bit longer, leave, stay, etc.

This cycle is exhausting and maddening and highly confusing as to why are we so fixated on this pattern. One reason is because we are caught looping in the attachment injury and playing out what is known as trauma reenactment. We are disconnected from our inner resources.

I also describe a few things we can do to begin to bring life back to our lifeless self. Those areas of focus are the following: practice intolerance of minimal emotional relating, implement new, stronger boundaries that focus on preference affirmation, using a bridging technique to link areas of resource with the areas that are lacking, and finally strengthening spiritual connection with God, your higher power, or divine energy.

The dynamic described on this video is a result of not having enough positive emotional mirroring both in your past and in the present. This means you need more positive emotional mirroring today! You must – it is imperative – find other people, family, groups, organizations, and spiritual ritual to begin to feed your soul. Otherwise, you are going to continue to starve emotionally.

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Thanks for watching this video.

If the topic of this video has sparked self-reflection and you are now asking yourself “How do I overcome this?”, “How can I heal?”, the Improve your Relationships community is the right place for you. To learn more about the membership community visit http://www.alanrobarge.com/community The community provides a structured and reoccurring 8-week program of helpful conversations, learning, and support; it offers resources, worksheets, and videos. It promotes a model of self-directed healing and invites self-accountability. You are invited to join us.

Also if you benefit from this video and would like to become a sustaining supporter through a reoccurring or one-time donation, then please check out http://www.alanrobarge.com/donate

To learn more about working together go to http://www.alanrobarge.com/

Remember... emotional connections matter!

Alan Robarge, LPC
Attachment Focused, Trauma Informed
Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach

Видео Why We Get Stuck in Relationships - Attachment Trauma канала Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist