Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex? Here's what to do!

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Number one: it’s easier to think about your ex than move on with your life.

Buddhist leader Tick Nah Tahn says “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”

That’s a fancy way of saying that this fixation on the past relationship is a way to avoid having to worry about your own problems. While thinking about your ex is painful, it’s familiar. It’s not out of your comfort zone and since you’re broken up, thinking about them will never spur you on to any action besides what you’re already doing. In a weird way, it’s comforting, like poking a canker sore with your tongue. You may not feel good doing it but it’s not going to surprise you.

We prefer the devil we know. This is why we’d rather donate ten dollars to save the baby seals than take a seal hunter into our home and teach him to use powerpoint so he can compete in the modern job market.

Long story short, it’s easier to whine about your ex than it is to move on with your life.

Number two: You still see them

If your ex is still a part of your life, then no wonder you’re having trouble moving on.

Whether you’re seeing them on social media, hearing about them from mutual friends, or actually seeing them day-to-day, then it makes sense that they’re still on your mind.

You need to take steps to build some distance into your life. First, social media. There are ways you can avoid seeing them without straight up blocking their accounts. Twitter and facebook allow you to mute the person so you won’t stumble across them in your feed.

But if you find yourself constantly checking out their profiles you might need to take steps to avoid this. Block them, delete them as a friend. Go full scorched earth. Don’t worry about what they think. That’s the best thing about being broken up. You don’t have to their feelings your priority anymore. You need to do what’s right for you.
Number three: You’re keeping it bottled up

Talking about your ex non stop is obnoxious and will definitely have your friends running the other way when they see you on the street.

But if you haven’t been able to talk about your breakup at all then that might be why you can’t stop thinking about your ex.

You need to own it and talk about it to take its power away. This does not mean dwelling on every gory detail but if you find that you’re thinking about him or her all the time and never letting anyone else know, you should try to talk about what happened. You’ll be surprised how saying it out loud will make it feel like way less of a big deal.

If you have no one in your life you can turn to, you should consider talk therapy. It’s helpful to have someone who is willing to listen to anything you have to say without judgment. This is something that a therapist can offer. Sometimes getting it all out in the open will free your mind from continuously going to the same places.

The fourth reason you can’t stop thinking about your ex is if you’re focusing on the wrong things.

Let’s talk about how you’re thinking about your ex. You probably know the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” This speaks to our tendency to remember only the good things about our past relationship. This can be a good thing. It allows us to maintain positive memories of an ex and move forward with our hearts free from pain. But more often than not, it hurts us.
Number five: this was your first relationship.

If your ex was the first person you’ve seriously dated, you might be worried that they were the only one for you. You can’t imagine ever meeting someone who will want you again. I have good news for you. If there’s one person in the world who wanted to be with you, then there are many people out there who will see the same things in you that they did.
My first piece of advice is this: take stock of your life

What I want you to do is make a list of what you love about your life. It may make you feel a little silly but I promise it helps. Whether it’s friends, family, your job, your hobbies. What are the things that add value to your life and make it worth living?

Don’t compare yourself to other people. Focus on the things that make you happy and explain why and how. I find that a lot of my clients don’t see this stuff because they’re too busy focusing on what isn’t working (their relationship) and not putting any thought to what’s going well.
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This short list is an opportunity. Think of the areas in your life that are lacking. Do you enjoy your job? What you’re taking in school? Have you lost touch with friends? Maybe you’ve stopped pursuing your hobbies. Don’t despair. The more you have to work on, the easier it will be to keep your mind off your ex.
I’ve been Jessica Boss, bossing you around. Bye!

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