Crapping on the Columbus Statue - SOUTH PARK

Kyle tries to convince Stan to reason with his dad, but Randy is on a mission to convince everyone how Christopher Columbus was terrible. Then Randy heads to New York to prove how committed he is to the cause.
"Holiday Special" S21

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INT. LIVING ROOM - STAN'S HOUSE - DAY
Stan is on the couch when his phone RINGS. He answers it.
STAN
Hey dude.
KYLE
Dude, did you know it's YOUR dad
who's getting the school to cancel
Columbus Day?
STAN
Yeah... Dude, I don't know what's
going on - he's really serious about
this.
KYLE
Well - you gotta DO something! If
you get him to back down maybe the
school will reconsider.
STAN
I can't get him to back down.
KYLE
Stan, I have to deal with my mom
doing shit like this all the time,
but she's never tried to take away a
holiday. I'm your best friend but I
can't have your back when the guys
find out about this.
STAN
I'll try okay?
(door slam)
I gotta go-
Stan is sitting on the couch and Randy sits next to him.
Randy puts his laptop on the coffee table and CLICKS it a
few times.
RANDY
Ok Stan, you got your phone? We
need to call everyone on this list.
They all live in the same city.
STAN
Dad, listen you need to ease off a
little here, ok?
RANDY
(dialing his phone)
Stan, it's not right that people
celebrate a man who WIPED OUT
millions of people for his own
glory. Let's go.
He puts the phone to his ear.
RANDY
Hello is this
(looking at laptop)
Howard Peterson? You live in
Columbus, Ohio is that correct?
Yeah? You racist piece of shit.
You heard me, you're an intolerant
pig. Oh you're not? You just
choose to live in a city named for
ETHNIC CLEANSING? No, fuck you.
Rename your city asshole. Hello?
(redials)
Okay, next one. C'mon, get calling
Stan.
STAN
Dad, come on. We all get your point
but don't you think you're over
doing it?
RANDY
You HAVE to over do it in today's
society, Stan. You can't be nuanced
and subtle any more or else critics
go - 'wow what was the point of
that?'
(into phone)
Hi Francis Melman? Hey how are you,
you fuckin' racist?

EXT. COLUMBUS CIRCLE - NEW YORK - DUSK
A shot of Columbus Circle with the water going off and
yellow cabs going around it. HORNS and TRAFFIC are heard.
START on just the statue and MUSIC.
REPORTER
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. EXPLORER.
PIONEER. IS HE SOMEONE WHO SHOULD
BE APPRECIATED? OR WAS HE JUST A
DOUCHE?
The pullout continues-
REPORTER (O.S.)
For years Columbus Circle has been a
landmark and photogenic intersection
in New York City.
The reporter steps into frame holding a mic.
REPORTER
So it came as a surprise when
someone defecated on the statue
earlier today. I'm joined now by
the man who DID the actual
defecating, Mr. Randy Marsh of South
Park, Colorado.
The reporter moves over to reveal Randy wearing an 'I (took
a dump on) Ny' T-shirt and smiling.
RANDY
Good evening!
REPORTER
Mr. Marsh, you took a dump on the
beloved statue that has been an icon
here in the city for years what was
your reasoning?
RANDY
Well I just have a problem with the
racist people of this city.
(accent)
Yee haw I'm from New York I drive
around a big circle that celebrates
a guy who murdered Native Americans.
SHOO WEE!
REPORTER
So you're doing this because of
Indigenous Peoples and their feelings?
RANDY
I don't CARE if people get
indigenous, I'll crap all over their
statues. I'm the one who's
indigenous that this landmark even
exists!
The reporter looks confused for a while and then-
REPORTER
Uhh... Uh.. Ba-Back to you Tom.

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