A Snake Bit Off My PENlS

I will stay a virgin for the rest of my life. Let me explain you why.

A few years ago I went on vacation to Thailand. My family and I had just checked into our hotel. When I decided to go to toilet. I mean, we had just been off a 10 hour flight and I was bursting.

So I sat down on the toilet with my headphones on, listening to music. When I suddenly felt something pulling on my cucumber. My first reflex was to jump up and look down. I saw a big long snake that had sunk it’s teeth into my cucumber.

Now, before I continue telling the story, please take a look at this image of a snake’s mouth. It has dozens of sharp teeth that are hook-shaped, so they can hold onto their pray.

They normally only eat mice, rats or chipmunks. But my cucumber must have looked tasty or something and once the snake had bitten into it, it didn’t let go again.

I started screaming and ran out of the toilet, with the snake still holding onto my cucumber. When I saw my mom I screamed “AHHH HELP ME!”. But my mom just started screaming too and didn’t help at all. So in the end, I tried to pull the snake’s mouth open, but this made the snake bite down even harder and that’s when it happened…

My cucumber got bitten off and the snake swallowed 4 fifth of it.

I knew I had to go to the hospital asap. But first I asked my mom to catch the snake and cut it open, so that we could later sew my cucumber back together.

Unfortunately, my mom was too scared and the snake escaped.

Meanwhile I found a taxi to get to a hospital. But the driver kept arguing how my blood was ruining his seats. I got so angry, I used my left arm to pull him out of his own taxi while holding my cucumber with right hand.

I had never driven a car before but it wasn’t that complicated and after 20 minutes of driving I had found a hospital. When I ran into the lobby, I was covered in blood and screamed “help, help”. When the nurses saw me, they immediately brought me into the emergency room.

I still hoped that they could somehow save my cucumber, but the doctors just kept on asking me whether it was a poisonous snake or not. But how was I supposed to know that?!

Well, it took twenty hours of operating on me until the doctors were able to fix my cucumber enough so that I could pee relatively normally into a toilet again. However, the doctors told me that I would never be able to make love to a woman again.

And to make things worse, there were several TV crews outside my hospital room, trying to interview the boy that had lost his cucumber. I mean, seriously? Do you think I wanna tell the whole world that my cucumber was bitten off by a snake while sitting on a toilet?

Well, when I finally arrived back in the US. My girlfriend was waiting for me at the airport. And ugh… we were both raised strictly catholic and still virgins. We had planned to have our first time after we got married, but now I had to tell her about my condition. We sat down in an ice cream cafe. And I’m not joking but she ordered herself a banana split. I waited until she was finished eating and then I told her the news. I told her how I had lost my cucumber on my trip to Thailand.
I expected her to feel sorry for me or something. But she just said she wanted to take a look at it in the bathroom. And well, when I showed it to her, she started laughing so hard that tears were running down her face!

I have to admit that her reaction completely destroyed the little confidence that I had left. After she had calmed down, I asked her if she was ok with the fact that I would never be able to make love with her. At least not in the conventional way. Luckily, she said she didn’t mind.

But the next day, when I asked her to go out, she said she was busy and afterwards she completely stopped responding to my messages.

I have to tell you, it hurts to be rejected because of your body, because of something you have no control over and that you can’t change.
I felt like such a loser. I thought I would never be able to satisfy any girlfriend I had. I grew so insecure, that whenever a girl started talking to me, I ended the conversation as quickly as possible. I didn’t want a new girlfriend because I was scared of having to tell her about my embarrassing condition.

But after 6 months, 2 guys came up to me at college. They were both laughing and asked me if a snake had really bitten of my cucumber. And I started blushing so hard, that I basically admitted that it was true.

It turns out that my ex got drunk at a college party and told everyone about my accident in Thailand. And from then onwards, everyone at my college called me “Miss P” because I had a missing… you know what.

For then next 3 years, I basically stopped talking to girls, and instead completely focus on college. I think I wanted to get straight A’s to compensate for what I was lacking. But I just grew more and more frustrated.

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