Cartman Takes Kyle On a Boat Ride - SOUTH PARK

Cartman attempts to kill Kyle but he could only afford a Wiffle ball bat. It could take a while.
"Toilet Paper" S07

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About South Park: South Park is the Emmy and Peabody-award winning animated series co-created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone about four boys living in one screwed-up Colorado mountain town. Between local and global tragedies, as well as parental and celebrity interference, Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny manage to have themselves a time.

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EXT. EDGE OF STARK'S POND - DAWN
This is Stark's pond like we've never seen it before - creepy and foggy in the early dawn light. Like the lake in "The Godfather 2".
On the bank of the pond, there is a small, two man boat with two oars. Cartman walks into the shot with Kyle following him.
KYLE
What's this all about, Cartman?
CARTMAN
I just wanted to see how you're doing, Kyle. Why don't we go out for a little boat ride?
KYLE
A boat ride?
CARTMAN
I just thought we should find a private place to talk.
KYLE
Wul, okay.
CARTMAN
Could you help me put this cement block and chain into the boat?
Kyle and Cartman both lift a heavy concrete block with a chain on top into the boat.
Then Cartman picks up a baseball bat and puts it in the boat as well.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
Okay, let's go.
EXT. STARK'S POND - ON THE WATER
A few moments later, the boat is drifting quietly and eerily through the foggy water. Kyle is sitting in the front, facing Cartman who rows slowly.
In the distance we hear LOONS CRYING OUT and then flapping their wings.
Slowly the boat moves... quietly... ominously...
CARTMAN
So how are things, Kyle?
KYLE
Terrible. Every time I close my eyes I see the house we TP'd. I see the tears of our art teacher and hear the screams of her daughters.
CARTMAN
And you feel like you have to confess.
Kyle sighs and turns around in the boat, now facing away from Cartman, looking out over the mist of the lake.
KYLE
I don't know what to do... Part of me feels like I have to end it all now, tell people what happened.
Behind him, Cartman slowly picks up the baseball bat...
KYLE (CONT'D)
You know... I never noticed how beautiful this pond was before... So calm...
Cartman carefully creeps up closer to Kyle, and brings the baseball bat back, ready to swing...
KYLE (CONT'D)
The world can be like that... So calm on the outside... As if nothing bad ever happens.
Cartman swings with all his might, and the bat come down on top of Kyle's head!
Plink.
KYLE (CONT'D)
Ow.
Kyle turns around, and touches his head.
KYLE (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
CARTMAN
I'm killing you. But unfortunately I could only afford a whiffle bat, so it's going to take a while.
Cartman swings again.
Plink.
KYLE
Cartman!
CARTMAN
Don't fight it, Kyle. It will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness.
Plink. Plink.
KYLE
You wanna kill me?! Fine! I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead!
Kyle turns back around, facing away from Cartman again.
KYLE (CONT'D)
Do it!!!
Cartman swings the bat again.
Plink.
Plink. Plink. Plink. Plink. Plink. Plink.
CARTMAN
Won't be long now, Kyle.
Plink. Plink. Plink. Plink.

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