Prime Minister, Schools & Girls | Stand-Up Comedy by Mohd Suhel

Intro Music Credit: Silence Ft. Universe

I asked the universe for permission to use this song and a wind passed by so I said "I'll take that as a yes." and then another wind passed by so i took that as a yes too.

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For enquiries or bookings: suhelbaz@gmail.com
Shot at Canvas Laugh Club (1st November 2018)
Special Thanks - Christopher Baretto
"War is when the young and stupid are tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other."- Niko Bellic

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Screenplay:

[Scene 1]

So, I cannot become the Prime Minister because I’m scared of lizards. So, if I want to pee really badly at night and there’s a lizard in the bathroom, then I don’t go. I will hold my pee all night, but I won’t go. So that’s why I cannot become the Prime Minister. I’m so stupid, I’ve cut myself with a spoon while eating. Now if you’ll come to know all these things about your PM then would you be able to sleep at night? You’ll be like, “This fucker can’t handle a spoon how will he handle an entire nation?” “How will he save us from a nuclear war? This idiot fears lizards.” So, I don’t sit all day at home and wonder why I won’t be able to become the Prime Minister. This thought has been in my mind since my school time. Because, in school, they used to make us write an essay – If I were the PM… And my classmates would fill pages – (If I were the PM) I would build roads, schools. I’m like how many more schools will you build? They’ll also make kids write these stupid essays. I think this is a never-ending circle. But I would write only one line in those essays – I don’t want to be a PM. Then they would fail me.

[Scene 2A]

So, I was really awkward in school, so nobody would talk to me. But I had a friend in school and one day it was late, so I told her, “Call me when you get home” That girl never went home. You guys are laughing, she still hasn’t gone home. Now, I will tell you my best joke. That joke is so great, your minds would explode! So, buckle up! I’m telling you otherwise you’ll lose your brains. Because I’ve experienced this. My mind exploded when I thought of this joke. I had to explain it to my brain that, “you have thought of the joke. Please un-explode.” So, I thought of this joke when my mind had exploded, so this is a brainless joke. I’m just warning you, the joke can creep up from anywhere, any time so be ready. Now half of y’all are thinking, “Tell us the joke, dummy! We’ll decide if it’s great or not.” So, a crazy thing happened to me the other day, a girl was checking me out. The end.

[Scene 2B]

So, now a question bothers me these days, nowadays everyone’s been asking this. It’s ‘Where do you see yourself in 10 years?’ And I don’t know the answer to that. For example, the other day I went to a college to get admission and the principal asked me, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” And I’m like “Definitely not here.” I went to the bank and the bank manager asked me, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and I’m like, “I don’t know” So then he got angry. He’s like, “Answer me or I wont open your account.” And I was like, “I didn’t even come to open a bank account, I came to use the washroom” and he was like, “Answer me or I won’t let you use the washroom also” So I asked him, “Why does everyone ask this question? What’s the point?” and he said “Look, you usually don’t know anything about the other person. But, when you ask this question, you get to know a lot about them.” And I was like, “Sounds good. Now let me use the washroom” But he didn’t let me use the washroom. So, I kicked him in the nuts and ran away! See, the problem with this joke is that I don’t have an ending to this joke. So, whenever I don’t have an ending to a joke, I just kick on the nuts and run away.

[Scene 3]

Okay, now I will tell y’all a good joke. I know I’m excessively thin but sometimes I forget. So, one day I got a message that someone needs A+ blood and my blood type is A+ so I went to donate blood. So, when I reached the hospital, the patient saw me and got angry. He said, “Do one thing, give me glucose, I’ll make my own blood.” I tried asking a girl out and it did not go well. But she was really nice she didn’t reject me directly. She said, “we don’t even know each other” and I said, “we can know each other” and she said, “How?” and I said, “Let me ask you a question, where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and then she said no. So, I asked her why. So, she said, “Look, I don’t go out with guys who do the same joke all the time” and then she kicked me in the balls!
The End.

Interruptions Translation: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RR1hkGcLsDWPW6SI6MzSQqBSyriowjPn/view?usp=sharing

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