Why I Left and Sorry I Didn't Say Anything Sooner

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I mention a lot in this video, that I began to feel the need to over perfect my previous videos. The fact that I’m posting this does not mean I think it’s perfect at all. The audio quality is pretty rough, I talked too slow (I really recommend speeding it up), and I had to fight the urge to edit it down a lot. I have a huge urge to re-record the whole thing but I’m scared if I do I’ll keep getting stuck in this cycle and this will never go up. So with that being said, here’s things I wish I would have included but didn’t.

As stated in the video I tried to record this video a lot, I’d usually stop halfway through because I was so worried about what others might think, how it could negatively affect them, or how people might misinterpret it. I took some advice and recorded this video in a way that I was making it for myself without thinking about how others might perceive it. I’m glad I did, but I also have concerns. My main worry is that I don’t want anyone to feel at blame for the issues I mentioned in this video because they left a critical comment or requested something. There’s absolutely no reason to feel that way in the first place but if anyone does, I just want to state here that there’s no reason to feel bad or anything. This is something completely self inflicted and really doesn’t even come from bad reception or anything like that. I think it’s all just the pressure I put on myself to succeed. No matter how much good reception I receive I still haven't convinced myself I’m good enough so I’m always going to feel the need to nitpick, overly worry, etc.

I mention OCD a lot in this video and wish I would have given a more specific example that could help people understand it more. There’s a lot of misunderstandings regarding it, so here’s some information that can be helpful if you’re confused: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/

For those of you who also struggle with it, other than therapy I’ve found relief going onto r/OCD. There are some triggering posts on there though, so if you’re especially sensitive it may be good to use caution visiting the subreddit. But I overall have found it really helpful to vent on there and look at memes others have made that make me feel less alone.

I know since I mention stress coming from a lack of income too that a lot of people might think that I should have made a Patreon. The thing is, I didn’t feel I wanted to be a full time YouTuber anymore and I personally don’t feel like it’s right to ask for money from a Patreon if I’m not sure I want to be doing this at the capacity that the donors will want me to. I already had a paid discord that I made when I was confident in doing YouTube full time and feel terrible I couldn’t stick it through.

Finally I know again, I talk about a lot of the struggles I faced while doing YouTube. But there really were a lot of good times that I had while doing it as well and that greatly outweighs the bad in my opinion. I recorded this a couple weeks ago and have been sitting on it for a while and during that time I went to the mall and it reminded me of a few years ago when my panic attacks were so bad I couldn’t go anywhere really without having one. The mall being the absolute worst place for me to go since the amount of people and the fluorescent lights at the time was just a horrible combination for me. But I was really sad at the time because I couldn’t leave my house without feeling as if I was about to have an attack so I spent a bunch of time at home. It was during that time I first made my channel and it was really something that brightened up my life. I felt useful again, it really helped me build up my confidence to get out again. It wasn’t a perfect road, I still had a lot of issues when I was outside of my home but slowly over time I was able to get through it and feel somewhat normal walking through a mall. It just made me hope it can be the same thing with YouTube, that one day once I’ve conquered these anxieties I can come back and it won’t be so scary anymore. I also hope that if you struggle with similar issues you can be reminded that everything passes and there’s always a light on the other side. Please never give up.

Video Summary: YouTube was causing a big mental strain on me that became much more prominent after going full time. It made me question whether or not I wanted to continue pursuing it as a job. I ran into financial troubles towards the end of Persona and was banking on getting a job that I had an interview lined up for. I didn’t get it and my mental health plummeted even further. I was in a really bad place and and avoided making this video because I would have a panic attack every time I thought about it. After things settled down and I got to a better place, I just didn’t know what to say or how to say it and became too cowardly to post this video. I’m really sorry I didn’t work up the guts to post this sooner.

Видео Why I Left and Sorry I Didn't Say Anything Sooner канала Weeby Newz