HOW LONG TERM DISABILITY (NO WORK) IS REFORMING MY IDENTITY

ONCE I STEPPED BACK FROM A PUBLIC MINISTRY, A BUSY LIFE OF LEADERSHIP AND RELATIONSHIPS, I REALIZED JUST HOW MUCH OF MY IDENTITY WAS WRAPPED UP IN WHAT I WAS ACCOMPLISHING OR THE NEXT CHALLENGE, BEING PART OF A TEAM.

I WAS NOW SPENDING MOST OF MY TIME ALONE RECOVERING FROM EXHAUSTION.

I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS NEW REALITY. I WASN'T EXPERIENCING COMMUNITY IN THE SAME WAY. WORK WAS MY COMMUNITY. BUT I WAS ONLY KNOWN FOR MY PUBLIC MINISTRY AND PERFORMANCE. THE REASON I WAS SO CONNECTED WAS THAT I HAD BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH MULTIPLE ROLES THAT REQUIRED ME TO RELATE TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.

WHEN I STEPPED AWAY FROM THOSE ROLES TO TAKE A MEDICAL LEAVE I WAS SHOCKED AT HOW THOSE RELATIONSHIPS FELL AWAY QUICKLY. I WAS SHOCKED THAT NO ONE SEEMED TO MISS ME OR EVEN REACH OUT AND ASK HOW I WAS DOING. IT SEEMED THAT ALL THOSE I THOUGHT CARED WERE TOO BUSY WITH THE NEXT THING TO REACH OUT.

IT WAS A DARK PLACE FOR ME TO BE FOR SOME TIME, AND SOMETIMES STILL IS. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LOSE SOMETHING TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAD. AND WHAT I HAD WAS A LIFE GOAL, A PURPOSE, A TEAM TO WORK WITH TO FULFILL IT, AND A SENSE OF DESTINY IN FULFILLING IT. WE WERE HERE TO CHANGE THE WORLD. AND THE NAIVETY AND ENTHUSIASM OF YOUTHFUL UNIVERSITY STUDENTS TO DRIVE THE DREAM.

BUT MY BODY SHUT DOWN AND I COULD BARELY NOW RELATE TO PEOPLE. I JUST WANTED TO BE ALONE AND REST. IT FORCED ME TO GO DEEPER INTO MY BEING AND ASK TOUGH QUESTIONS. IT FORCED ME TO STOP PUTTING MY IDENTITY IN MY PERFORMANCE, MY PUBLIC LIFE, MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS, MY NEXT TASKS. IT FORCED ME TO CEASE FROM STRIVING.

IT WASN'T LIKE IT WAS JUST TIME OFF EITHER. I DIDN'T HAVE ENERGY TO ENJOY MYSELF. IT WASN'T LIKE EARLY RETIREMENT WHERE I COULD NOW DO WHATEVER I WANTED WITH THE NEW FOUND FREEDOM OF TIME. I WAS TOO TIRED AND IN PAIN FOR THAT. I MOSTLY JUST HAD TIME TO SIT WITH MY PAIN.

BUT THERE ARE SOME GOOD THINGS THAT CAN COME OUT OF THESE DARK PLACES. AS THE OUTSIDE OF APPEAL OF THE WORLD AND ITS SUCCESSES AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS STARTED TO FADE I FOUND THAT JESUS WAS ALL I HAD. I STARTED TO SEE JUST HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS TO BUILD THAT RELATIONSHIP. I LEANED INTO JESUS MORE THAN EVER.

I LISTENED TO SERMONS, PRAYED, READ AND MEDITATED ON THE BIBLE, REACHED OUT FOR PRAYER IN ONE ON ONE TIMES FOR ENCOURAGEMENT WITH GODLY FRIENDS.

I WAS STARTING TO BUILD MY IDENTITY ON JESUS THROUGH HUMILITY, WEAKNESS, COMING TO THE END OF MYSELF. IT FELT TOTALLY OPPOSITE OF WHAT I HAD BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR SO LONG, STRIVE FOR MY WORTH AND ACCEPTANCE.

CEASE FROM STRIVING.

IT WAS ALSO AT THE TIME THAT I WAS READING A BOOK BY HENRY CLOUD CALLED "CHANGES THAT HEAL". IN THAT BOOK HE MENTIONED THAT WE ARE OFTEN ONLY KNOWN FOR OUR PUBLIC PERSONA OR OUR PERFORMANCE, BUT THAT WE AREN'T KNOWN IN OUR ENTIRE PERSON.

AS I PULLED AWAY FROM MINISTRY AND LIVING MOST OF MY LIFE IN A PUBLIC SETTING, IT FORCED ME TO SEE THE BROKENNESS INSIDE OF ME. I SAW A LOT OF DEPRESSION, SOCIAL INSECURITIES, IMPURITY, FEARS, ANXIETY, DISAPPOINTMENTS, AND OVERALL DYSFUNCTION.

I TOOK THE ADVICE OF THE BOOK AND STARTED TO REACH OUT TO A FEW MEN IN MY CHURCH WHO I SENSED WERE HUMBLE AND HONEST IN THEIR JOURNEY. OUT OF THOSE CONVERSATIONS WE STARTED MEN'S GROUPS TO SHARE HOW THINGS WERE GOING IN OUR PERSONAL LIVES, CONFESSING SIN, AND PRAYING FOR ONE ANOTHER.

I HAD BEEN STRIVING FOR ACCEPTANCE IN MY PERFORMANCE, TRYING TO BE AT LEAST AS GOOD AS OTHERS IN MY WORK BUT ALWAYS FEELING LIKE I WAS FALLING SHORT. I FELT SO MUCH PRESSURE TO HAVE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MINISTRY, THE NEWEST INNOVATIONS, BE THE MOST RELEVANT, THE MOST PEOPLE INVOLVED, THE MOST CONVERTS.

BUT IRONICALLY I NEVER FOUND SATISFACTION IN SUCCESS OR THE STRIVING FOR IT.

INSTEAD, TO MY SURPRISE, I FOUND IT WHEN I WAS VULNERABLE ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES, WHEN I CONFESSED MY SINS TO OTHERS CLOSE TO ME, WHEN I HAD THEM PRAY FOR ME IN THOSE WEAKNESSES. I WAS BEING KNOWN FOR ALL OF ME, NOT JUST MY PUBLIC PERSONA.

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