Tweek and Craig Fight in the School Yard - SOUTH PARK

Tweek and Craig finally begin their school yard fight. Mr. Adler gives up on life when he runs out of nicotine gum.
"Tweek Vs. Craig" S03

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. PLAYGROUND - DAY
The playground is empty, desolate... WIND BLOWS
ominously.
Finally, we hear a SCHOOL BELL ring, and immediately all
the kids come flooding in.
STAN
Okay, the time has finally come!
The kids all gather around. Tweek is at one side, Craig
at the other.
Out of nowhere, a kid walks through the crowd with a box
in his hands.
CLYDE
Programs!! Get your programs here!
Programs!
Kyle helps Tweek into his boxing robe.
KYLE
Remember, Tweek, punch hard, punch
low.
TWEEK
AGH!
KYLE
This is when you gotta get MEAN,

Tweek!
TWEEK
AGH! MEAN! AGH!!
Meanwhile, Cartman is warming up his fighter. Craig is
wearing his little sumo suit.
CARTMAN
The spirit of the dragon is in your
hands. Per sher der shur shay. Ping
low too song sher. Alright?
CRAIG
Okay.
CARTMAN
Now listen to me! Per shang der sher
shay! Alright?! I’m seriously! Per
shang der pong quang chong!!
CRAIG
Okay! Okay!
The two boys finally come together. SPAGHETTI WESTERN
music with a DISTANT BELL and WHISTLING starts to play.
Tweek stares at Craig.
Craig stares back.
Tweek punches his gloves together.
Craig cracks his neck.
The MUSIC continues to play as Stan steps in the middle.
STAN
You ready Tweek?
Tweek nods.
STAN
You ready Craig?
Craig growls.
STAN
Let’s get it on!

Stan jumps out of the way.
CRAIG
(Flatly)
Respect my authority.
The boys charge each other and start to punch and
grapple.
We don’t see much of the fight, we just see the other
kids’ excited faces.
STAN AND KYLE
COME ON, TWEEK!
CARTMAN
COME ON, CRAIG!!!
Suddenly, the kids all looked shocked.
STAN
WOA!!
INT. SHOP CLASS - DAY
Mr. Adler is alone in the shop class room. He is writing
a letter. Next to him is the picture of the woman.
MR. ADLER
To whom it may concern... I can no
longer live without her. I could not
say goodbye to her, and so now I must
say goodbye to all of you. For I am
all out of nicotine gum. Sincerely
yours... Richard Adler... Shop
class... P.S. Don’t screw around. You
all screw around too much.
Adler sets down the pen and paper. Then stands up, and
slowly walks over to the other side of the room.
He walks over to the table saw, turns it on, then very
calmly lies down on the wood feeder, feet first.
Very slowly he starts to creep toward the saw.
MR. ADLER (cont’d)
Goodbye cruel world.
After a few seconds, he suddenly realizes his mistake.

MR. ADLER (cont’d)
JESUS CHRIST!!
Adler quickly spins around so that he is head first.
MR. ADLER (cont’d)
What was I thinking?! That would a
hurt like hell!
EXT. PLAYGROUND - LATER
Another part of the playground. It is desolate and empty.
Suddenly, Tweek and Craig come rolling into frame. They
are pummeling each other as they completely roll out of
frame.
A few seconds later, all the kids come running through
frame, cheering them on.
KIDS
(Cheering)
Tweek and Craig finally come to a stop NEAR A TEMP
BUILDING and try to catch their breaths.
STAN
COME ON, TWEEK, YOU GOT HIM!!
CARTMAN
FINISH HIM OFF, CRAIG!!
The boys are exhausted and panting.
KYLE
Woa Tweek did you hear that?!
TWEEK
What?!
KYLE
Craig just called you a boner!
TWEEK
AGH!!
Tweek charges Craig again they again start throwing
punches.

KYLE
(To Stan)
We just have to keep throwing gas on
the fire.
STAN
Yeah.

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