What I Eat During My Binge/Cheat Day (TW ED)/Recovery Journey

TW: ED

I do not encourage this kind of behavior.
I don’t eat like this everyday, and for the most part, I am seeing progress in my recovery. But realistically, I can’t recover overnight, and there are days were I do okay, days where I restrict too much, and days where I cave and binge like this one. The important part is, I have learnt to get back on my feet and start over again. I am currently on my 3rd day of no binging!

I get a lot of comments telling me that I binge bc I restrict. And while that may be true to some extent (not to mention that I am truly grateful for any advice given to me out of genuine concern!), I believe that my binging is mainly due to stress and obsession towards food since childhood.
When I was going through a phase of depression this winter, I would eat like how I am in this video, every single day for months. I had gained over 10-15 kilos in a short amount of time and i’m pretty sure this wasn’t triggered by restriction.
Atm I am mentally in a much peaceful state, hence why I am so willing to put in the effort to recover. However, in all honesty, I am disgusted with my body after the weight gain and I gag every time I look in the mirror (i try not to stare at myself for too long, and stopped checking the scale every hour). I am constantly in conflict with the pressure to lose weight, and not giving in to binging whenever I am stressed or unhappy with myself. There is a part of me that wants to fast as often as I can or eat less than 500kcal, but I know that is unhealthy and will make it harder to control my binges. It may still seem like I am restricting in my other videos, but trust me, I am eating as much as I can. I want to stress that my recovery journey is no where near perfect, and I am still trying to find my path. And it is impossible for me, at this state, to be comfortable with eating
1500 or 2000kcal. I would spend the rest of the day in distress, or worse, start binging bc why stop myself when I’ve already eaten that much? (I know 1500kcal won’t make me fat, neither am I obese. This is all my ed talking).
It’s not my intention to dismiss your opinion, I truly appreciate any advice I can get! But I just thought it might be important to clarify my thought process. I understand how my eating disorder could be frustrating to watch, especially if you’re someone with past eating disorders, or have knowledge in the field of nutrition.
Thank you to anyone who read this.

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