Did Cartman Just Crap Treasure? - SOUTH PARK

The boys emerge from the cave as Al Gore remembers them. Cartman farts out the smuggled treasure that almost killed him.
"ManBearPig" S10

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INT. FLOODED CAVE - DAY
This part of the cave is filling in with water and is
already flooded.
Stan emerges from the water-
STAN
(gasps)
And then finds a rock to grab onto a pulls himself up.
Kenny struggles in the water.
STAN
Kenny! Here! Take my hand!
Kenny reaches for Stan and Stan takes his hand, then looks
off in the distance
STAN
Hurry Kyle! The water's rising!
Kyle is struggling to swim with Cartman in tow.
CARTMAN AND KYLE
(swimming efforts)
KYLE
CARTMAN... YOU'VE GOT TO SWIM!!!
KICK WITH YOUR LEGS.
CARTMAN
I can't kick.
KYLE
YES YOU CAN.
CARTMAN
I CAN'T KICK YOU JUST HAVE TO SAVE
ME.
KYLE
I NEED YOUR HELP!
CARTMAN
NO YOU JUST HAVE TO SAVE ME.
KYLE
Harhgh... Gahrhghg...
Kyle struggles, but falls beneath the water.
STAN
KYLE!! NOOO!!
Stan rushes back into the water.
WATER.... THEN BLACKNESS
EXT. CAVE OF THE WINDS - MORNING
BOOM DOWN onto a memorial service at the Cave of the Winds.
All the rescue workers, plus a bunch of civilians are
gathered to pay respects, sitting in white chairs holding
candles with flowers all around.
Gore is at the head of the memorial service.
AL GORE
We are gathered here to say goodbye
to four kids whom we all tried to
help but in the end, could not. But
where there is loss, there is hope.
For ManBearPig is no more.
RESCUE LEADER
Oh Jesus here we go again.
AL GORE
We have beaten ManBearPig, and we
will NEVER forget the names of the
brave young kids who lost their
lives: Kid one... Kid two... Kid
three... and of course, kid four.
In the background, some of the rocks behind Gore start to
push out.
AL GORE (O.S.)
I remember how kid one used to laugh
and play. And how kid two was
always there when I needed him...

reverse to the rescue workers and other people, sitting
down, one of them points to moving rocks.
The rocks push away some more, and Stan struggles to get
out.
STAN
Hahhghh... RRRRRGHGGH!!
RESCUE WORKER
Oh my God!
Everyone gets up and rushes to the rocks.
Stan pulls himself out and falls to the ground then reaches
in to help Kyle who is pulling out Cartman.
CARTMAN
Ughghghg...
REVERSE to everyone running up and looking astonished.
RESCUE
IT'S THE KIDS!
RESCUE WORKER
THEY'RE ALIVE!!!
Cut back to the boys as they all help squeeze Cartman out
of the opening.
CARTMAN
Rughghg...
Gore runs up right next to Stan.
AL GORE
KIDS! I SAVED YOU!
Stan backs away from Gore.
STAN
Just stay away from us, asshole! I
was nice to you because I felt sorry
for you, because you don't have any
friends. But now I see WHY you
don't have any friends. You just
use ManBearPig as a way to get
attention for yourself because
you're a LOSER!
GORE
Yeah right, the man who single-
handedly killed ManBearPig is a
loser.
Cut to Cartman holding his stomach. Kyle is helping
Cartman stay standing.
CARTMAN
Blarghh... Blaarrhghgh....
KYLE
We need to get our friend to a
hospital right away!
CARTMAN
No, no! I'm fine! I just need to
get home... and rest...
Cartman starts to walk away.
STAN
Cartman, seriously, you need to see
a doctor.
CARTMAN
Naw, I just need to get to a toilet.
See you guys, I-- Haba...
HABAAAAAAA!!!!!
Cartman blows his pants off and shits seventy-five pounds
of treasure behind him. FFFRBRBRBRTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
CARTMAN
Haghggh! Hahhhh....
REVERSE - The boys look completely stunned.
REVERSE - Back to Cartman he looks around, not knowing what
to do.
SHOT - On the rescue workers, confused.
BACK TO THE BOYS
KYLE
Dude... Did Cartman just crap
treasure?
Cartman looks back at the treasure, unsure of what to do,
but then he turns around and blocks it off with his hands.
CARTMAN
It's MINE!! IT'S MINE, YOU HEAR
ME?! I GOT IT OUT OF THE CAVE! IT
BELONGS TO ME!!! KEEP YOUR GREEDY
HANDS AWAY!!!
RESCUE WORKER
Hey... That looks like the fake
treasure from our Smuggler's Den
Photo Room.
CARTMAN
That's right, and I... Fake
treasure?
RESCUE WORKER
Yeah... we put it there for kids to
take their picture with.
Cartman stares at his treasure in disbelief.
RESCUE WORKER
All in all I'd say that treasure is
worth about fourteen dollars.
CARTMAN
No... NO!!!!!!!!
More treasure comes shitting out Cartman's ass.
CARTMAN
AHGHGH!!!
KYLE
You made us pull you to safety
because you ate treasure?! You son
of a bitch.
CARTMAN
Don't you think I'm hurting enough
Kyle?! AAHGHGHGH!!!
More treasure shits out Cartman's ass.

Gore steps in and starts to tie on a cape.
GORE
Well, my work here is done. I've
killed MBP and now I must save the
world from something else. Maybe
I'll make a movie. A movie starring
ME. Then people will take me SUPER
cereal. EXCELSIOR!!!
Gore pretends to fly away (just walking out with his arms
in front of him.
Cartman shits out a goblet.
CARTMAN
AHGH!
THE END

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