Cartman Has Ass Burgers - SOUTH PARK

Cartman tries to get diagnosed, while Kyle and Wendy discuss Stan's attitude.
"Ass Burgers" S15

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INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Cartman is standing on a box at the stove, holding a
spatula and cooking burgers.
CARTMAN
Turn on your heartlight... Let it
shine wherever you go... Let it make
a happy glow...
EXT. NURSE'S OFFICE - DAY
Cartman walks up to the nurse's office and clears his
throat before entering.
INT. NURSE'S OFFICE - DAY
Cartman come in, melodramatically, overacting sick and
moving slowly.
The nurse-- a new lady not the fetus chick- stands by the
examination table.
CARTMAN
Ugh... hahghgh...
Cartman climbs on to the nurse's table.
NURSE
Eric, what is it this time?
CARTMAN
Fever... Light... Light
headedness...
The nurse checks his eyes and ears with her doctor's light.
CARTMAN
I don't know what's wrong with me.
NURSE
You don't feel warm...
CARTMAN
Oh that's a relief. I thought maybe
I had a fever but I- ugh... Oh my
bunz! There's a sharp pain in my
bunz!
NURSE
Can you lay on your stomach?
CARTMAN
I'll try, I'll try.
Cartman gets on his stomach and the nurse reaches in his
pants-
NURSE
What the--
She pulls a paper-wrapped hamburger out of Cartman's pants
NURSE
What is this a hamburger?
CARTMAN
(looking at camera)
A WHAT?
The nurse pulls three more burgers out of Cartman's pants.
She unwraps another and smells it.
NURSE
Why are there hamburgers in your
underwear?
CARTMAN
Are you SERIOUS? How could there
be-- OH MY GOD! You're saying I
have ASS BURGERS?!
The nurse takes out four more burgers as the paper wrappers
CRUMPLE.
NURSE
This doesn't make sense. Are you
trying to sneak food into the school
or something?
CARTMAN
What are you TALKING about?! I got
vaccinated from the school and NOW
CLEARLY I have ass burgers!
NURSE
Very funny.
CARTMAN
Well I'm glad YOU think ass burgers
is funny! Just note my condition on
your records there.
NURSE
Get out of my office.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Kyle is putting things away in his locker, standing side
view. Wendy walks up to him holding her trapper keeper to
her chest.
WENDY
Hey Kyle... Have you heard anything
at all from Stan?
KYLE
I've tried, Wendy. I've called him,
I've been to his house. But since
his diagnoses all he's done is
gotten worse.
WENDY
I don't know what to do. It's like
he's completely turned off.
Cut to a wider shot with two nerdy boys in the foreground
NERDY KID
Those two should just screw and get
it over with.
NERDY KID 2
Yeahhhh....
Back to Kyle and Wendy.
KYLE
I can't keep doing it, Wendy. I know
he has an illness but, God damn.
It's like being around a black hole
that just sucks the life out of
everything.
WENDY
Look, maybe what we should do is all
go over to his house TOGETHER. And
that way we could-
Kyle closes his locker and dramatically steps forward,
walking away from Wendy in the background.
KYLE
No, I CAN'T Wendy. All his
negativity is starting to make ME
depressed. I have to let him go.
And Whatever happens next I'm going
to EMBRACE, with a totally POSITIVE
ATTITUDE.
Cartman comes up the hallway holding his pile of burgers.
CARTMAN
God damn stupid school nurse!
Heartless bitch!
KYLE
What's the matter, dude?
CARTMAN
I spent all morning making
hamburgers for NOTHING, that's
what's the matter!
KYLE
You made hamburgers? That's
awesome! I'd love one!
Kyle unwraps a burger and takes a bite.
KYLE
(mouth full)
Wow! This is really good Cartman!
CARTMAN
Really?
KYLE
Yeah! Hey Riley! Try this
hamburger! Cartman MADE them
himself!
Riley eats some.

RILEY
Wow, what IS that?
KYLE
Seriously Cartman, you could make
MONEY with these!
CARTMAN
Gee, thanks Kyle!

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